top of page
JULY 29TH 2022
(PORTUGAL)
3 PM
THE DESIRED AMPUTATION WAS NEAR. 6 HOURS OF WAITING TO AWAKE ON THE 30TH WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH AND MY CHEST TIGHT AND GHOSTLY BUT SURPRISINGLY HEAVIER THAN EVER BEFORE.
I DO NOT FEEL PAIN. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. I CAN BARELY BREATHE BUT I DO NOT FEEL PAIN.
THERE WAS INDEED NO PAIN ON THAT DAY, OR THE NEXT OR ON ANY OF THE DAYS TO FOLLOW. STRANGE THAT. NOT FEELING PAIN. I WAS NEVER MUCH TO WINCE TRUTH BE TOLD, AT LEAST NOT LIKE OTHERS DO. I’M OFTEN CALLED BRAVE FOR THAT. I DON’T BELIEVE IT TO BE BRAVERY THOUGH. AND I’VE NEVER GOTTEN A LOLLIPOP AT THE END OF A POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH FEAR. THAT I DESERVE. EVERY 21 DAYS, EVERY TIME THAT TESTOSTERONE FILLED NEEDLE PIERCES THROUGH MY SKIN, I DESERVE A LOLLIPOP.
(PAUSE)
I SHALL RECORD THAT THOUGHT ONE DAY
AUGUST 2022
(PORTUGAL)
35-37 DEGREES
RECOVERY WAS ANYTHING BUT COMFORTABLE. I COULD BARELY MOVE AND THE SWEAT DRIPPING ALONG MY SKIN LEFT ME FEELING STICKY AND FILTHY. THE BANDAGES SO VAST AND TIGHT, RESTRICTING MY TORSO AS I INHALED AND EXHALED IN OVERWHELMING BOREDOM.
THERE WASN’T MUCH I COULD DO. I NEEDED TO WORK ON THE SHOW TO COME THOUGH, THAT WAS CERTAIN. HORROR CABARET, A SOON-TO-BE-BORN CHILD OF MINE.
I HAD EXPRESSED INTEREST IN NEGLECTING THE USE OF FILM IN THIS FUTURE PIECE OF WORK. A FEELING I CAME TO IGNORE WITHOUT REGRET. AND SO, PERHAPS MOSTLY DUE TO MY POST-SURGERY CONDITION (OR PERHAPS DUE TO MY TRUE WISHES), I OPENED FINAL CUT PRO (MY VIDEO EDITING PROGRAMME OF CHOICE) AND BEGAN BUILDING A POSSIBLE END PRODUCT. A PRODUCT OVERFLOWING WITH REFERENCES, THEM BEING NOT ONLY PERSONAL BUT ALSO FROM OTHER’S WORK I CAME TO APPRECIATE THROUGHOUT MY 27 YEARS OF BREATHING.
bottom of page